2007-12-08
To You
Dear sister,
I know you were on my laptop. I know you saw that entry I left up before I shut my laptop. And now I guess you know about my diary. I don't know if you'll ever check it again, but in case you do, I wanted to say something.
I don't really care what you saw, if you even cared enough about someone else to read their diary. I wouldn't be too surprised if you cared so much about yourself that you didn't even bother to read this. And if you did, I know it was only as retaliation. You don't care about my life, and that's fine. Please don't do me any favors, because all you're ever going to do is throw them back in my face.
Oh, and don't threaten me. You don't scare me, not anymore. You used to scare the shit out of me, but I don't know why. Honestly, there is very little you could EVER do to hurt me, I don't think you're that observant or creative. You used to scare me, but now I see you for what you really are. I'm sure you're hurting, your life sucks and you're in pain. But GUESS WHAT! So the fuck am I, okay? My life sucks, just like yours does. But the difference between ours is that you CAUSE more of your pain with your dumbass mistakes, whereas my pain is usually caused by you. I'm sure you think that no one in this family understands you, and that's probably true. I feel the same way, but you don't see me sending my life down the drain. I used to be so scared of ending up like Dad or the others in our family, but I know now that I am different. I'm going to make something of myself and there is not a DAMN thing you or anyone else can do to stop me. I am going to live a successful life. I'm going places that you probably will never dream of. While you're stuck in the gutter because you can't get your next fix or because you spend all your money paying some boyfriend who "loves" you out of jail that no one understands except yourself, know that I will be in a warm bed, safe and sound.
I used to be scared of you. Now I just feel sorry for you. You want to hate me? Go right ahead. I think I'll manage to survive if one more person hates my guts.
Just know this, your boyfriend is a liar, and that is not something I take kindly. I don't accept being called a liar and I don't accept being lied two, both of which you have done to me. I DON'T LIE. I don't need to lie, unlike yourself. I live a life where I can life it out in the open and don't have to hide and crawl my way out of the light. Do you see that? I have no reason to lie, and therefore I don't. Don't call me a liar.
I really used to worry about you so much it made me sick. What if she ends up hurting herself? What if she ends up on the streets, strung out on drugs? As of now, this is your life. If you do become the above things or anything else, I probably will not support you.
Remember this, there is not a thing you can do to hurt me. Not a thing. Call me whatever name you want, it doesn't mean anything coming from you (oh, but if you do insult me, don't expect me to accept your apology. It's going to take far more than words for me to start forgiving you). You can't take away my dignity or pride. I am a good person, no matter how many days I doubt it. I know that now. I know. Mock me. Tell me I'm fat and worthless, hell you already have! Tell me I'm not worthy of love and that I drove J away. You already have! Say I'm a goody too shoes who does whatever her mother tells her to - I'm quite proud of that trait. See, when you do that, you start to gain people's TRUST. Take whatever insecurity you got from this diary or whatever other diary of mine you've read and share it with the world or throw it back at me. I CAN TAKE IT!
But can you? Are you strong enough to withstand all that I've withstood?
Go ahead, continue reading this if you even care. I DON'T! I'm not going to censor myself or hide, least of all from you. It's just too bad that you can't think of anyone but yourself.
Another quick note. Don't ever make a promise to me. I've seen you break too many of them for me to ever believe you.
I am who I am. Flawed as hell, but it's who I am. I have my drawbacks, but I learned this today, I'm loyal as hell to the people who matter, and that's only about one person at this point in my life. I'm also much stronger than I thought I was. I WILL survive this hell, and for this all, I'll be a stronger person. Probably more cynical and angry, but I will have known that I could survive the utter betrayal of family. After that, what could be worse?
unchallenged at 6:37 p.m.